“Oh my god you’re going to die alone!” – that was my initial thought when my daughter, Niamh, came out as asexual a few years ago. Yes, I am prone to the dramatic - and thankfully completely incorrect in this instance.

It is great that we are seeing much more about LGBTQ+ topics; I wanted to write this blog as often we do not hear as much about the “+” category which includes asexuality. When my daughter came out I did a lot of research to better understand this and be able to support her as she figured it all out too.

Asexuality is a term used to define someone who does not experience sexual attraction towards individuals of any gender. It is not actually that rare, research indicates that perhaps around 1% of the population are asexual. Just like individuals who are heterosexual, gay or bi, being asexual is not a choice – it is how that person naturally is.

This does not mean that asexual people cannot have relationships, find love or even get married and start a family if that is what they want. Asexual people are often open to forming romantic relationships that can develop further even towards long-term commitment and family. 

Niamh has always been shy and didn’t date much. I remember her going on one date (with a boy) while at university. This triggered a panic attack as she wasn’t really that into him. I tried to explain that you sometimes have to meet a few people before you find one you are attracted to, however, with hindsight this was more than that. She came out as asexual not long after. 

What have I learned from having a daughter who is asexual?

• Listen – they know more than you do and will likely have being looking into this and trying to understand it for a while before they open up to you
• Try to understand – do proper research if this is a topic you don’t know much about
• Treat asexuality with respect – this is an integral part of your child’s identity - never say they “think” they are asexual – something I got wrong at first
• Take their steer over when and what to tell family or friends
• And of course, love and support them – this can be a tough time

As Niamh got comfortable with her asexuality, she started to explore if she was open to relationships and determined that she is pan-romantic (another new term for me – more research!). Essentially, this means that while Niamh is not automatically attracted to either gender, but she is open to forming romantic relationships with any gender.

During lockdown last year she met someone online; they began dating and became girlfriends a few months later. It has been a difficult time to start a new relationship with lockdowns and not living very close to each other. Now that travel restrictions have ended they are seeing each other more regularly and have met each other’s family. They are happy - which is the most important thing you want for your child.